Dangerously Out of Control

College is closing up shop. I can almost here the door slamming shut and the lights being turned out. Honestly, I never thought I would see graduation day or at least live to see it. The pace of my life reached new peaks and at some point there has to be a slow down or at least speed bump.

I can't yet imagine what the day after graduation is going to be like or the feeling I will surely have in my stomach when I attempt to fathom the rest of my life. My parents are scared too. Unlike the past generations on my family tree, I went to college and come home talking about some "thing" thats out there that is beckoning me away from the comforts of my Maryland home.

My Dad thinks I have lost it and doesn't understand why I insist upon "leaving". Was it something he did wrong? Nah. Definitely not. It is a product of wealth, prosperity, hope, guilt, and a liberal arts education. Our generation has been afforded opportunities many of our parents never though possible. We enjoy a degree of freedom in our lives unparalleled to the vast majority of the world. Of course we can afford to dawdle. We can afford to take on risky opportunities, low paying internships, and luxurious explorations to anywhere else. All for the sake of self actualization?

At least our parents money is being put to good use. I'd take self-actualization for my progeny over a new plasma tv. Will we ever really get it though...will chasing after something ever reach a defining climax in our lives? I don't know, I haven't got that far yet.

Tucked away behind the doubt of acutally finding the "thing"...wait let me talk about the "thing". I credit a professor of mine with this term, which he uses for basically anything that has "thingness", like a bike or a test or freedom. Anyway, the "thing" is the non-descript, vanilla name I have given to that feeling I have of there being more in this world. More of...I don't know something. All I can tell right now is that it has an indescribable beauty that has me captivated. I think about it, I ponder it, I pray about it, and I ask God to show me more of it.

Some may just call it a feeling of destiny or purpose but it is more than that. I believe it is more like God dangling fruit of possibilty. I feel almost like I am at a crossroads and more and more paths continue to spring up with infinite potentials or impending doom. Maybe it isn't that clear cut, but nonetheless the feeling eats at me. The choice.

My parents always told me that the "choices you make dictate the life you lead." This was a line designed to steer me away from drugs and excessive alcohol consumption in high school. Are they right though? Or will God steer me back on track or will I reach a point where the "thing" is out of sight and out of reach?

Right now, I am driven by hope to press on. Because in the pressing on I hope to experience this life as it was meant to be lived. Jesus came in part to throw mankind a life line to tap into the realist reality of life; to live life to the full. I hope also, that as long as I am chasing after the "thing", I will find myself living the Jesus-kind of life.

My faith is growing because of this pursuit because along the way I am getting a taste of this "thing". If you haven't figured out by now, I have faith that it is from God, authored by God, and fueled by God. It makes me stomach churn with excitement just thinking about it.

It has been brought to my attention by my subconcious that this whole thing has sprawled too far from its central focus of what makes college kids crazy. You may be shocked to find out that this is the whole point of this. I guess what I did was pursue that idea with my own insanity. Oh well.

Despite how good I think the "thing" is, I think it is guilt that might keep me in it too. I am privilaged and blessed so why shouldn't I try to do something or chase after something in my life that transcends money. My heart aches to reach the "least of these" bretheren. I care about the people who are having a hard time in this world, because we can still have joy, peace, and can still feel loved.

Finally, I want to say that...well just thanks for reading and please, if you read this, comment. I hear it is exciting.